Random and Jumbled :-)

I think about blogging far more often than I actually do.

I find, as im put in more "adult" social situations, that Ive forgotten/lost the ability to have a mature conversation. Im so wrapped up in the kids, working (with kids!), and school that im just not up-to-date on current events. Toss in the fact that I spend 90% of my days talking to kids and now ive lost the ability to use intelligent sounding word choice.
This really bothers me. I used to be intelligent. I could hold my own in a conversation and not look like a dumb-ass. People always commented on my maturity and intellect. Now? Not so much. I generally have a blank look on my face these days. Yep.

As I used the phrase . "I used to be.." with someone the other day and they stopped me and said, "Used to be? Youre only 23!" I realized that, yes, im "only" 23. However, Ive lived differently than most 23yr olds that I know. Its no surprise to anyone who knows me that im not all that different in respect to how responsible I am, my values ,or my "good girl" persona.
But I HAVE changed. I used to be confident. I knew what I wanted and how to get it. I knew how to hold my own in conversations. I knew how to have fun and let go. Did I mention that I was confident?
Before the boy-child, I drank (underage, but responsibly of course!), skinny dipped every weekend (with whoever), flirted (with loads of confidence!), hung out with peers(movies, lakes, day-trips!), laughed. You get the idea....
Now this isnt to say that becoming a biological mom changed me in a bad way. Its just a factor of what changed me.
A bigger factor of the change is in that I allowed others to influence my opinion of myself. I started to believe some of the not-so-nice things that were said about me. I started to retreat and focus on just making it through and setting a good example for the boy-child.

So for the last 5 years I have lost my youth; My confidence; My identity. My sense of self.
I just dont know how to regain those things. I try. I put myself in situations that force me to talk to other adults, muster up confidence, and have an identity outside of "mom." Im failing miserably. I see it in others faces and their responses to me. I feel it in the lack of confidence.
The whole time im in these situations I am berating myself for not doing better. Im thinking to myself, do xyz! Say xyz! Smile! Make eye contact! Speak up!
Yelling at myself doesnt boost confidence it seems.

I guess its just a Fake-it-Till-You-Make-it type of thing, because I really dont enjoy being this uptight and reserved.

My boy loves me :-)

If you know me IRL, and especially if you spend time with me frequently, you know that I struggle a lot with my boy-child. A lot.
He has sensory input and anger issues. This translates into: 90% of the time he is yelling how much he hates you, being rude, being physically aggressive, throwing a tantrum, throwing objects, etc.
As a mom this tears me apart. To watch my baby act out such unhappiness is gut wrenching. And then I struggle because I react with annoyance and impatience.

Lately, amidst all of his fits he comes up to me several times a day with big ole puckered lips, "A kiss momma. I need a kiss! Youre the best mom ever! The best mom ive ever had! Youre the best momma, the best!I love you!"
Doesn't that just melt your heart? I get to experience this love several times each day :-)

He is generally pretty forceful (again, sensory input issues). so sometimes I react to that vs. to what he is telling me.
I look at my beautiful child. This child who loves me. Who thinks im his whole world. And I see what a fuck up I am.
I should be more patient. I should be more involved in play with him. I should criticize less.
Ive gotten so wrapped up in all the other drama and stress in my life that I allow it to affect my parenting. This must stop.
Being a parent is the single most important job I will ever have. I am solely responsible for shaping his self-esteem, how he responds to others, how he treats others, and most importantly, how he treats himself.

So today I will tell you this, my beautiful boy, you are the best! A mom could never wish to be so lucky as to have a son like you! You make my heart full with joy. Thank you for being my son!

Mini-Update :)

Just a little update on how things are that were previously "reported" on.......

My grandma has now [successfully] made it through 2 pretty major heart surgeries! Shes still in the ICU, but is recovering :)
I think my mom is getting pretty caged-in feeling at this point, but she is very relieved that she is able to be there and that things are progressing as they are.
The boy-child and I *Should* be flying out there for a long weekend next month. Yay!



'E' will find out tomorrow if he will begin working for a company that he previously worked for. This would help us significantly! Its not that it makes more money, just that its predictable as far as hours/bring home pay (current job varies from day-to-day.)
Its supposedly "in the bag", and tomorrow is just a formality, but id rather wait for the "formal" acceptance before reporting that its a done deal ;0)




School is going well so far. I really like all of my instructors and the class "lay-outs." Because 2 of my classes are only one day a week, Im having trouble remembering homework. Ive now gone into class a few times and had the "Oh shit!" moment. Luckily its only happened with easy to do assignments and ive been able to get 'er done before the start of official class time.

My sister has been helping out with watching the kids in the in-between time of me leaving for school and 'E' getting in from work. Its been a huge help!
We have to juggle this week because shes working and this is a risk to future weeks as well; but for now its flowing okay.




The Diva is back to soccer. She has been asked to join a team!
4th grade is going well so far. Homework still takes hours for this simplest of things, but at least shes not whining about doing it yet.

The boy-child lost his first tooth on August 31! He is also writing his own name(I get credit for this TYVM!), identifying letters, asking how to spell, and telling us all of the new "facts" he learns in school ("mom, did you know that Earth is a planet?!?") We are working on learning to read (as time allows.)












Thats the last month in a nutshell! :)

What No One Tells You About......

Funny-Light hearted post of the day ;0)


What No One Tells You About-------

Being in a long-term relationship/marriage:

1. It takes work . Sure people tell you that it takes work, but they dont always go into details. It involves all of this compromising shit, using "nice" words, using "I" language, dealing with family thats not "yours", dealing with mood swings [that arent yours], etc. You find yourself dealing with smells, attitudes, messes, bills, messes, and smells that arent yours and that you didnt necessarily know you were signing up for.
2. Sex doesnt come as often as it did when you were first in love-lust. Sure you may hear guys talk about how the wives arent giving it up and the woman complain that the men arent romantic like they used to be, but what you may not hear (unless you know me IRL), is that there are plenty of woman complaining that theyre not getting it enough, and plenty of men complaining that their wife/woman/gf/partner is no longer the person she used to be. Its a 2 way street people. Sex isnt all roses and puppy dogs. Especially years into a relationship. Libidos change. People *coughmencough* forget how lucky they are and the kind of work they put into sex in the beginning of the relationship. B.O.B and Rosie Palm start to become your lover at some point. Its not always a mutual decision (in fact, its generally a one-sided decision ;) ) Sure you youngins' are sitting there reading this , thinking "this will never happen to me." Guess what? It happens to everyone. Go out and get thoroughly fucked as much as you can right now! Its really your last chance. Bwahahaha
3. Somewhere along the line the importance of grooming/hygiene goes to the way-side. Now, im not saying it falls off the face of the planet. Im just saying that those smells and messes apply to this area of what-you-didnt-know-that-you-wish-you-did too. Once you/he/she/it gets comfortable, so does the hair and b.0. *shrug* Being smooth? Not so important once youre "off the market." Body spray? What, Are we going out tonight? Morning breath.<--- 'Nuff said.
4. Bodily functions stop being taboo. Again, 'nuff said ;)
   

Being Pregnant-

1. You will be exhausted. Now, sure you might already know this, but what you dont know is that the exhaustion generally appears in the early stages. You know, the stage where youre not telling anyone yet, not evening remotely showing, IE- you have no damn good excuse for calling into work and avoiding people just to sleep. And lemme tell you, its an exhaustion that claims your whole being. You will fall asleep cooking, driving, peeing, puking....you get the idea.
2. If you really think about it, there is a living parasite inside your body! fAreaky! Especially freaky once it starts being visible and moving. I really think alien movies came from pregnant chicks.
3. Sex. Its kind of hard to ignore the fact that there is a baby in the big ole belly during sex. Heres why,- it moves! So then you get a wee bit grossed out (or your partner does), because then its like the baby is part of this whole sex thing. And does that make you a pervert?
4. Its uncomfortable, and sometimes downright painful. Charlie-horses will yank you from a deep slumber (that took you hours to achieve btw) heartburn will plague you nonstop, you will have feet in your ribs, hands punching your 'gina, pounds of fluid+fetus+displaced organs pushing on your sciatica thus causing immense back and leg pain, your feet will swell, you will also most likely pee your pants ;)
   
5. You have to give birth. Yes, I know you know that, but it leads us into our next section...

Giving Birth-

1. Its not glamorous. You have several strangers probing and oggling your va-jay-jay.
2. You quickly realize that this watermelon has to be squeezed out of your nice, tight, pretty va-jay-jay. Is it too late to change your mind about this whole baby-having business? Yeppers!
3. Its painful. Yes, I know: DRUGS! , but #1 you have to get to a certain point before those are available, and #2 you might want to go into this whole giving birth thing completely drug-free. So just know, it hurts worse than anything you have ever experienced. You will feel as if your insides are being torn to shreds by , well, what else? An alien! Ok, ok , ok....
4. Its messy. You *will* poop while pushing. Blood and other random fluids will pour from your sex-pot.
   
5. Your va-jay-jay will stretch wide open like a canon. It may even rip apart. Itll never, ever, ever look the same. Just sayin'......

Raising kids-

1. Its exhausting! Youll find yourself day-dreaming about your pre-kids days. You know, where you actually slept more than two hours a night? Slept in on the weekends? Only had to deal with your own puke and runny shit?
2. Its messy. Did you read the part about puke and runny shit? Its real Dude. Its real.
3. Your house will never be clean. Well unless you have a daily house cleaner, have OCD, or both. *shrug*
4. They are thankless at times. Down-right spiteful. They will argue until you dont even know what the hell it is that you were telling them to do/not do. And then who looks the fool?
5. They are expensive. Fuck, I mean clothes are not cheap! They destroy shoes! Those toys made in China by little kids making $0.10 a day? Youll spend your whole paycheck buying those lead-filled-plastic things. We wont even talk about vacations to Disney Land, Magic Mountain, SeaWorld...........
6. They will embarrass you. Yes, your little future-"johnny" will act like a little shit in public! I dont care that youre raising him "right" and you arent like those other parents. Johnny is the same as all the other little Johnny's! He will scream, tell you no, throw himself on the floor and let the whole world know how unjust of a parent you are. He will make damn sure everyone in the nearby vicinity knows what a fuck-up of a parent you are.
   
7. You will never be allowed to pee alone, in silence, alone.....
8. They will knock at the door, wake up crying, and/or walk-in during "adult time." You know that sex that you havent been getting , but are finally getting? Yeah, good try! Maybe next time sucker!

So, yep, theres the truths peeps ;)

I Love You More

Ive always told the boy-child I love him all the way to the moon and back and around the age of 2 he started with, "and to the stars momma?" So then it became "I love you all the way to the moon and the stars and back."
Well, for the past few weeks my boy-child has been on a "I love you more than.. " kick. Most days its ,"I love you more than a hotdog momma" repeated about every hour. Ive gotten a few "I love you more than ice-cream"-s. Its awesome to hear the kid tell me he loves me a dozen times a day; Especially considering how much he loves hotdogs....
Yesterday we headed over to the doughnut store to get him a chocolate long-john. As we are getting back into the car he says to me, "Momma I love you more than a hotdog, but I dont love you more than a doughnut. No I love doughnuts more than you." Niiiiiice kid. Real nice.

Back to Reality

Im no longer free from the realities of my life. Im firmly planted back in Arizona. Yes, we can all cry now :'(

First, lets reflect before I whine about life.....


WARNING:This is the part where I get sappy

I spent a lot of time simply enjoying the fact that I was around family.
That side of my family is so polar opposite of the other side of my family. They're generally happy to see you. Jokes can be made. Kids can play and squabble without adult interference. Theres no bitching and moaning about how crappy their lives are.
I just cannot put into words how much they mean to me. How much I have searched for that here in Arizona; tried to replicate it. The sense of family unity is the one thing I wish for my children. I want the big family Holiday meals, backyard BBQs, birthday parties, etc. To me, there is nothing more important than family (this includes friends who become family too!) Its just so important to surround yourself with people who love you, people who want to laugh with you, and people who are there to help/support you.

My kids had cute little "southern" accents while there. They sounded totally fake, but hey *shrug*
The boy-child caught frogs every single day. Lightening bugs, too! He swam, fished, played with babies, slid down Sliding Rock in NC, dug for worms, planted a garden, and probably more things that I just cant think of :-)

The Diva, well she definitely had the phoney accent! She enjoyed all of the same things her little brother did, but especially liked playing with the babies! She asks daily when daddy and I are going to have a baby girl *eyeroll*

I spent the last couple of days hanging with my "baby" cousin H. Gosh kids grow up so fast! Shes 15 now and just absolutely beautiful! Shy and quiet, too. I finally got her to mumble a few words back at me towards the end. Convinced her to try driving and we went shopping for new clothes :-) The "child" definitely needs to gain some confidence though! (so H, if you read this, You are BEAUTIFUL and SMART)

It was absolutely great for our souls to "escape" for awhile. We saw some beautiful sites, relaxed, enjoyed life.





Now onto LIFE-

My grandma is now schedule for some pretty serious surgery. I really wish I could be there with her. My poor mom is just a mess :-(

We are BROKE. Like seriously so. Whats new, right? This level of broke is new to us. Scary.
Im down to working 1/3 of the hours I normally would. 'E' is bringing in 20% of his normal pay. Yeah, its just craptastic right now. We will get through it, but at what cost I dont know and that worries me.

I have no freakin' clue how im going to juggle kids school, work, my school, and all that comes along with those things without my mom here to help. Childcare is our biggest issue. We have no money for a sitter and trying to coordinate with the free offers is pretty difficult. I have faith thatll we will figure something out , though. We have to damnit!

My bestie is leaving town for like a year. Boooo! WAAAAAH! Whatever will I do? Looks like ill be traveling more or going crazy ;-)

Wheres Waldo?

This week I have been visiting family on the opposite side of the country. Can I just say, its about time!, ?

I have missed them so much these last 5 years. So much changes so fast that you just feel like itll all be gone before you know it.
Luckily, my family never makes you feel out of place or like a freak stranger :-)


In just a few days I have gotten to meet and play with my cousins 'J's 2 babies (who were not even in the plans last time I was here!), briefly meet my cousin 'N's 2 new babies (making a grand total of 3), see my baby cousin 'H' turning into a beautiful young woman, go to a haunted graveyard, and go to the beautiful forest of North Carolina and watch people fling themselves down sliding rock (I did not partake.)

Every time I am here I feel such a peace. The peace you only feel when youre "home."

Family means everything to me. Everything.
________________________________
My grandma is very sick. The truth of the situation is that I will never see her again after I fly back home next week. Every time I look at her I am reminded of so many childhood memories, and of the fact that I am about to lose a very important part of my family.

I fear the affect this will have on my mom. I dont know how I am supposed to support her during this time. I especially dont know what I can possibly do to help her recover from the loss of her own mother.
Im scared of the changes it will bring to her; To our family. It will, without a doubt, change my mother. It will scar her very being; It already is. She already is facing her own aging and future mortality because of this situation.


So for now I will just savor the laughter, the peace, the memories........