Time

What time is it?
I dont have the time for ____
Time sure does fly!
Now is not the time!
Its time for a change!
Where has the time gone?
Remember the time__?


The word time is in our vocabulary so much (mine especially!)

I often wonder why our lives revolve around time. I like to speculate that its because once-upon-a-time there was someone as schedule obsessed as myself. [However, I do blame my need for schedule on the fact that I grew up without one and my mother always ran late]
This week, I really have no time. Well, im sure if I made extra effort I could squeeze an extra hour into the day...
Im just so busy. I had several opportunities present themselves this week that I just had to turn down. I also missed a very important Dr. appointment because I didnt manage time well.
I have yet to take advantage of 2 separate gym trials...really, like I have the time to be fat?
There are times that I think time is confused with effort. Such as my gym saga...

As for the other type of "time"...
My birthday is quickly approaching. I know im still young, but I do feel that my life is just slipping away. Im not where I want to be. I dont want to just be starting life at 30, damnit! I want to enjoy my 20's (which, to date, I have not) and be successful. I fully intend to be done raising kids in my 40's, thus allowing me to enjoy the success I achieved in my 20's (see how this all ties together?)
I desperately want another baby, too(well, 2-3 more actually.) Its been nagging at me for months now. Ahh, but the timing....

The result of procrastination...

I dropped my math class. Im a flipping genius I tell you!
Crunch time arrived, I did not. I figured why pay $15 an hr to have someone proctor a 3hr exam that I was most likely going to fail.
Im a visual person. Online math just wasnt my thing. Im retaking it in person next semester :-)

Speaking of next semester. Im taking night classes;5-10pm three nights a week... In a "shady" part of town. Ive always done early morning classes, so this will be interesting. The downside is that I will only be home one night a week :-(


Another bit of procrastination....
My weight. I was supposed to be down 30lbs at this point. I think ive gained a few....


......Going to the doctor. I have not been to one since my 4week check-up after having the Boy-child. I cant remember the last time I want to just a general Dr. Urgent care is just much more convenient these days (and only when im near "death") BUT...im finally going to a Dr. on Thursday. Ive got some things that just cannot be ignored anymore.....

.....SLEEP! Im looking at 4hrs a night. Why? Because I force myself to stay awake to enjoy the quietness. Im sure I would enjoy sleep just as much, but each night I push past the urge for at least an hr, if not 3!

So let me be a lesson...

Dont procrastinate! Youll just end up undereducated, fat, and sleep deprived ;-)

The difference between having kids and not......

Sunday night I spent 3hrs at Urgent care. Bronchitis. Great. At least I caught it early....
Monday early(predawn), the boy-child wakes up with a 104 temp. Yippee. We survive Monday(barely). Tuesday 12:30 am I wake up with a 104 temp. and in an unbelievable amount of pain. The boy child proceeds to cry continuously the rest of the night.
Tuesday was spent with the boy-child and I both crying and maintaining very high fevers. He takes us to urgent care around 6pm. Our flu test come up positive in a 1/3 of the time they told us it would take. Wonderful..

Without a child I would have ......
gotten some sleep
taken large quantities of drugs
maybe even have shot myself (the pain really is *that* bad)

Since I have children...
I sucked it up. Enough said...

WooHoos

More than one woohoo!

I got a new car! Actually, a minivan. Oh im so, so in love! Its a 2004 Toyota Sienna. Shes a beauty! The space! I can separate the bickering kids!

Ive been baking a lot from scratch(like, way too much baking.) So to combat this I made an oober healthy(and cheap!) dinner; Lentil and Quinoa tacos. The kids totally loved them! The Diva did say, "These are so great mom, but you forgot the meat." I quickly informed her that meat is not always necessary :-D
I will be tackling the art of pickling pickles soon. The Diva is rather fond of those things. Homemade bread, ketchup, and bbq sauce are also on the to-do list this weekend.
The Diva has also requested that I pack her lunch for the last month because she can no longer stand school lunches. That either says something about the quality of the school lunches(which was horrible when I was in school), or that I am an amazing cook. Yeah, I agree, its because my food is the shit ;-)

Both kids have gotten the ok to join the soccer league(there was some question as to age cutoff for the boy-child.) We have actually gotten the Diva in free for the last couple of weeks due to it being the end of the season. Can I get a 'woohoo'? :0)

Im taking my sister and the kids up to see my grandparents tomorrow.

Im almost caught up with most of my classes. Thats a big woohoo!

Random Mumblings

Bare with me....

I saw my first ever, in person, skunk! In the wild! Lets just say I did not handle it gracefully.
Back story? I agreed to go fishing with him, despite my complete distaste for it(hello, boooring) Anywhom, it gets dark [insert me whining about it being pitch black and worrying about every little sound] and I sense something next to me. I turn to my right, and not 6 feet away is a ferocious skunk baring his killer teeth at me.( Ok, he wasnt ferocious and he didnt show teeth) So I shined my puny head lamp at it and screeched(very lady like thankyouverymuch.)
He thought it was funny and continued to stare at his non-moving fishing pole for another 2hrs until he finally gave into my whining and we left. 4hrs of fishing and being viciously attacked by a rabid skunk was enough for me ;0)



Im car shopping again. I hate car shopping. This time I have 450% more money than the last, yet still cannot find what I want. UGH!


The kids are joining a soccer league. Yay! Busy kids= happy mommy 8-)

The boy-child will be starting Head Start in August. His teacher feels hes ready for it. Something along the lines of neurotypical kids having a good influence on him. That and they havent experienced any of the behavior problems listed in his IEP.

I worked Super Bowl Sunday for the people who let me go in November. It was so nice to see the kids again. However, it set me back emotionally for a few days this week. My anxiety flared up really bad on Monday and Tuesday. Just the overwhelming out of control feeling again.

My sister may be moving 4 blocks away....

I have not seen my dear 'A' in far too long. Shes the one person who really gets me and puts me at ease.

I opened a door I should not have opened, but it made me realize that the grass is not greener on the other side.

I got a new puppy a few weeks ago. He is quite the chewer! Ive never had a pup that insisted on eating(as in swallowing and digesting) our clothing instead of his nummy chew bones that I buy. He will out grow it. Right?

School School School

I officially start school today. A whole week early. Yay for math! [eyeroll]
My loans dont come until sometime next month, so I have to somehow come up with over $500 for books. Yeah, no. Maybe I can just wing it for a bit :)

The Diva is failing. Literally. Worse than usual. Im beyond frustrated. Her comprehension is nill and her care about school is even less. You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink......

The boy-child is doing ok. He had a rough week last week. He has done ok with the transition, but is still asking to go back to his old school. His teacher does not communicate the way his last teacher did; this bugs me.



Im still very, very overwhelmed. Our financial situation is bad. The only bright light is that we can file taxes on Friday. Those should carry us through February. Im still dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression. Might go see a doc. about it soon. I do not like the way I feel!
My amazing friend bailed me out this month. I dont know what I would have done without her!

I scored a 19lb ham for $18 and we have lived off of that for a week. Good thing ham goes with so many things :0) However, I think we will be done with it until Christmas!

Had car trouble again. My alternator went out on the freeway. Yup, I have the best luck when it comes to breaking down; im always in a safe location. Easy fix, but it set me back even more financially :-(

I told a few people how I feel. Surprisingly none of them freaked out. Its been taken well(at least to my face, haha.) They havent changed, but they at least know my opinion and can expect my real reaction to their drama :-)

Im working really hard on thinking positive. Im working a side job to help offset the car repair expense and looking at what I can sell. I truly believe that if I just take it day by day and look at what I DO have, then the rest will fall into place.
I only get one life, and I sure as hell dont want to struggle through it or waste it. I will get all that I want and I will be successful. Struggles build character, right? :-)

Changes

I havent written in awhile. I should have. With all thats going on I have definitely needed to have a release, but I havent known how to get it out in the right words.

A week before Thanksgiving I, very abruptly, lost half my income. I still have not really come to grips with this. I guess I should get the rational parts out before the emotional.

• I will survive.
• I have been proactive in securing most of my financial obligations..
• Things could be worse.

Now for the emotional-

• I feel like im drowning. Utterly drowning. I cannot breathe.
• For the first time in my life, I am depressed. I know this because I cannot crawl out of this sadness that is overwhelming me. I cry several times a day. I just want to curl up in bed and cry and not get up. I keep thinking positive and hoping it helps soon.
  
• I have lost part of my identity. I have always been the provider. Now I cannot even provide half the Christmas I usually do(petty, I know, but its better than focusing on the bigger picture of what I cannot provide)
• I miss those kids. To go from spending 2-3 days a week with them for 3yrs to just..nothing- its hard.

Again, Ive been proactive and I know itll all be ok, but I have never felt so bad.
So, in short, Im struggling through this really big change in my life. I will not verbalize to anyone how bad it really is(no worries!), but just know when dealing with me that I am not myself and try to forgive any bitchiness you may detect.