I think about blogging far more often than I actually do.
I find, as im put in more "adult" social situations, that Ive forgotten/lost the ability to have a mature conversation. Im so wrapped up in the kids, working (with kids!), and school that im just not up-to-date on current events. Toss in the fact that I spend 90% of my days talking to kids and now ive lost the ability to use intelligent sounding word choice.
This really bothers me. I used to be intelligent. I could hold my own in a conversation and not look like a dumb-ass. People always commented on my maturity and intellect. Now? Not so much. I generally have a blank look on my face these days. Yep.
As I used the phrase . "I used to be.." with someone the other day and they stopped me and said, "Used to be? Youre only 23!" I realized that, yes, im "only" 23. However, Ive lived differently than most 23yr olds that I know. Its no surprise to anyone who knows me that im not all that different in respect to how responsible I am, my values ,or my "good girl" persona.
But I HAVE changed. I used to be confident. I knew what I wanted and how to get it. I knew how to hold my own in conversations. I knew how to have fun and let go. Did I mention that I was confident?
Before the boy-child, I drank (underage, but responsibly of course!), skinny dipped every weekend (with whoever), flirted (with loads of confidence!), hung out with peers(movies, lakes, day-trips!), laughed. You get the idea....
Now this isnt to say that becoming a biological mom changed me in a bad way. Its just a factor of what changed me.
A bigger factor of the change is in that I allowed others to influence my opinion of myself. I started to believe some of the not-so-nice things that were said about me. I started to retreat and focus on just making it through and setting a good example for the boy-child.
So for the last 5 years I have lost my youth; My confidence; My identity. My sense of self.
I just dont know how to regain those things. I try. I put myself in situations that force me to talk to other adults, muster up confidence, and have an identity outside of "mom." Im failing miserably. I see it in others faces and their responses to me. I feel it in the lack of confidence.
The whole time im in these situations I am berating myself for not doing better. Im thinking to myself, do xyz! Say xyz! Smile! Make eye contact! Speak up!
Yelling at myself doesnt boost confidence it seems.
I guess its just a Fake-it-Till-You-Make-it type of thing, because I really dont enjoy being this uptight and reserved.
