Changes

I havent written in awhile. I should have. With all thats going on I have definitely needed to have a release, but I havent known how to get it out in the right words.

A week before Thanksgiving I, very abruptly, lost half my income. I still have not really come to grips with this. I guess I should get the rational parts out before the emotional.

• I will survive.
• I have been proactive in securing most of my financial obligations..
• Things could be worse.

Now for the emotional-

• I feel like im drowning. Utterly drowning. I cannot breathe.
• For the first time in my life, I am depressed. I know this because I cannot crawl out of this sadness that is overwhelming me. I cry several times a day. I just want to curl up in bed and cry and not get up. I keep thinking positive and hoping it helps soon.
  
• I have lost part of my identity. I have always been the provider. Now I cannot even provide half the Christmas I usually do(petty, I know, but its better than focusing on the bigger picture of what I cannot provide)
• I miss those kids. To go from spending 2-3 days a week with them for 3yrs to just..nothing- its hard.

Again, Ive been proactive and I know itll all be ok, but I have never felt so bad.
So, in short, Im struggling through this really big change in my life. I will not verbalize to anyone how bad it really is(no worries!), but just know when dealing with me that I am not myself and try to forgive any bitchiness you may detect.