What No One Tells You About......

Funny-Light hearted post of the day ;0)


What No One Tells You About-------

Being in a long-term relationship/marriage:

1. It takes work . Sure people tell you that it takes work, but they dont always go into details. It involves all of this compromising shit, using "nice" words, using "I" language, dealing with family thats not "yours", dealing with mood swings [that arent yours], etc. You find yourself dealing with smells, attitudes, messes, bills, messes, and smells that arent yours and that you didnt necessarily know you were signing up for.
2. Sex doesnt come as often as it did when you were first in love-lust. Sure you may hear guys talk about how the wives arent giving it up and the woman complain that the men arent romantic like they used to be, but what you may not hear (unless you know me IRL), is that there are plenty of woman complaining that theyre not getting it enough, and plenty of men complaining that their wife/woman/gf/partner is no longer the person she used to be. Its a 2 way street people. Sex isnt all roses and puppy dogs. Especially years into a relationship. Libidos change. People *coughmencough* forget how lucky they are and the kind of work they put into sex in the beginning of the relationship. B.O.B and Rosie Palm start to become your lover at some point. Its not always a mutual decision (in fact, its generally a one-sided decision ;) ) Sure you youngins' are sitting there reading this , thinking "this will never happen to me." Guess what? It happens to everyone. Go out and get thoroughly fucked as much as you can right now! Its really your last chance. Bwahahaha
3. Somewhere along the line the importance of grooming/hygiene goes to the way-side. Now, im not saying it falls off the face of the planet. Im just saying that those smells and messes apply to this area of what-you-didnt-know-that-you-wish-you-did too. Once you/he/she/it gets comfortable, so does the hair and b.0. *shrug* Being smooth? Not so important once youre "off the market." Body spray? What, Are we going out tonight? Morning breath.<--- 'Nuff said.
4. Bodily functions stop being taboo. Again, 'nuff said ;)
   

Being Pregnant-

1. You will be exhausted. Now, sure you might already know this, but what you dont know is that the exhaustion generally appears in the early stages. You know, the stage where youre not telling anyone yet, not evening remotely showing, IE- you have no damn good excuse for calling into work and avoiding people just to sleep. And lemme tell you, its an exhaustion that claims your whole being. You will fall asleep cooking, driving, peeing, puking....you get the idea.
2. If you really think about it, there is a living parasite inside your body! fAreaky! Especially freaky once it starts being visible and moving. I really think alien movies came from pregnant chicks.
3. Sex. Its kind of hard to ignore the fact that there is a baby in the big ole belly during sex. Heres why,- it moves! So then you get a wee bit grossed out (or your partner does), because then its like the baby is part of this whole sex thing. And does that make you a pervert?
4. Its uncomfortable, and sometimes downright painful. Charlie-horses will yank you from a deep slumber (that took you hours to achieve btw) heartburn will plague you nonstop, you will have feet in your ribs, hands punching your 'gina, pounds of fluid+fetus+displaced organs pushing on your sciatica thus causing immense back and leg pain, your feet will swell, you will also most likely pee your pants ;)
   
5. You have to give birth. Yes, I know you know that, but it leads us into our next section...

Giving Birth-

1. Its not glamorous. You have several strangers probing and oggling your va-jay-jay.
2. You quickly realize that this watermelon has to be squeezed out of your nice, tight, pretty va-jay-jay. Is it too late to change your mind about this whole baby-having business? Yeppers!
3. Its painful. Yes, I know: DRUGS! , but #1 you have to get to a certain point before those are available, and #2 you might want to go into this whole giving birth thing completely drug-free. So just know, it hurts worse than anything you have ever experienced. You will feel as if your insides are being torn to shreds by , well, what else? An alien! Ok, ok , ok....
4. Its messy. You *will* poop while pushing. Blood and other random fluids will pour from your sex-pot.
   
5. Your va-jay-jay will stretch wide open like a canon. It may even rip apart. Itll never, ever, ever look the same. Just sayin'......

Raising kids-

1. Its exhausting! Youll find yourself day-dreaming about your pre-kids days. You know, where you actually slept more than two hours a night? Slept in on the weekends? Only had to deal with your own puke and runny shit?
2. Its messy. Did you read the part about puke and runny shit? Its real Dude. Its real.
3. Your house will never be clean. Well unless you have a daily house cleaner, have OCD, or both. *shrug*
4. They are thankless at times. Down-right spiteful. They will argue until you dont even know what the hell it is that you were telling them to do/not do. And then who looks the fool?
5. They are expensive. Fuck, I mean clothes are not cheap! They destroy shoes! Those toys made in China by little kids making $0.10 a day? Youll spend your whole paycheck buying those lead-filled-plastic things. We wont even talk about vacations to Disney Land, Magic Mountain, SeaWorld...........
6. They will embarrass you. Yes, your little future-"johnny" will act like a little shit in public! I dont care that youre raising him "right" and you arent like those other parents. Johnny is the same as all the other little Johnny's! He will scream, tell you no, throw himself on the floor and let the whole world know how unjust of a parent you are. He will make damn sure everyone in the nearby vicinity knows what a fuck-up of a parent you are.
   
7. You will never be allowed to pee alone, in silence, alone.....
8. They will knock at the door, wake up crying, and/or walk-in during "adult time." You know that sex that you havent been getting , but are finally getting? Yeah, good try! Maybe next time sucker!

So, yep, theres the truths peeps ;)