You Only Get One Life

My goal every day is to make the most of what I have. Every second of the day there is someone out there who is worse off than I am and for that I should count the positives in my life.

1. Im not physically or mentally handicapped.
2. I have 2 beautiful, healthy children.
3. I have a job.
4. I live in a developed country.
5. I have a roof over my head.
6. I have a car.
7. My car has a/c!
8. I have people in my life who love me and care about my well being.

Now on to the purpose of this post.

While im physically and mentally sound, I am FAT and horribly overwhelmed. Its easy to say "exercise, sleep more, eat right!", but having the energy to work on myself is hard. Im so drained from my day to day responsibilities. Theres nothing in my life that can be put to the side right now. So the cycle of hating the way I look and feel continues.

While my children are healthy, my son struggles every minute of every day. He is constantly hitting, spitting, crashing, screaming, and getting in trouble because of it. No matter what *I* do, I cant fix him. I try to be positive and calm and reward the good. I try to find activities that allow him to seek to his hearts content. Its just not enough. Nothing I do is enough and my biggest fear is that hes going to grow up and be an out of control adult.

I am so thankful to work for the families that I do. They have afforded me gabs of flexibility and have taken care of me when ive needed it the most. Unfortunately Im also trying to manage going to school. For the last hour I have tried to complete one homework assignment and its just not happened. My 1st priority is the children in my care and because of that I cannot focus on homework. It is just one more struggle and its hard not to just scream and quit[school].

When I love, I love freely. Im a giver in every way. I rarely receive the consideration that I give. Its wearing down on me. I have people in my life that I care so much about, but its never enough. No matter what I do, im not doing enough. Last night I had a conversation with someone who I care for a lot and in that conversation I tried so hard to explain that I needed to focus on bettering me in order to be better for them. That I needed to break certain habits so that I wouldnt be repeating a negative history. That I just wanted to do right. In the end, even that was the wrong answer.



........Nap time is here though so its time to buckle down!