Changes

I havent written in awhile. I should have. With all thats going on I have definitely needed to have a release, but I havent known how to get it out in the right words.

A week before Thanksgiving I, very abruptly, lost half my income. I still have not really come to grips with this. I guess I should get the rational parts out before the emotional.

• I will survive.
• I have been proactive in securing most of my financial obligations..
• Things could be worse.

Now for the emotional-

• I feel like im drowning. Utterly drowning. I cannot breathe.
• For the first time in my life, I am depressed. I know this because I cannot crawl out of this sadness that is overwhelming me. I cry several times a day. I just want to curl up in bed and cry and not get up. I keep thinking positive and hoping it helps soon.
  
• I have lost part of my identity. I have always been the provider. Now I cannot even provide half the Christmas I usually do(petty, I know, but its better than focusing on the bigger picture of what I cannot provide)
• I miss those kids. To go from spending 2-3 days a week with them for 3yrs to just..nothing- its hard.

Again, Ive been proactive and I know itll all be ok, but I have never felt so bad.
So, in short, Im struggling through this really big change in my life. I will not verbalize to anyone how bad it really is(no worries!), but just know when dealing with me that I am not myself and try to forgive any bitchiness you may detect.

Umm Awkward!

So 'A' and I went for massages yesterday. I knew going into it that I would have a male masseuse, but I did not know that it would be so awkward.

1. He was old-ish. I mean, if im going to have a strange guy rubbing on me for an hour he should be hot(and not old enough to be my grandpa) damnit!
2. I was naked. Completely, utterly, naked(except for a *little* lace thong that he kept moving farther into my ass crack.)
   
3. My hand kept rubbing againt him. Believe me, I know what I was touching. Theres a big difference between a hairy thigh and that. To his credit he stayed "down." EWWW.
   
4. Lets revisit the thong. Its a thong. Its already between my ass cheeks. He kept moving it. Like, really, you dont need to rub my ass that far into the crack. You dont!
5. He rubbed all the way up to/into my bikini line. Maybe this is common? 'A' said that her chick did not rub her butt as far "in" as my guy did, and that she didnt go up/in to the bikini line. Idk, but in general, if a guy is that close its for other reasons ;-)
6. He rubbed around, on top of, between my boobs(again, 'A' did not experience this)

All in all, I did leave there relaxed(and ready for a nap!) I even drooled on the table!
'A' and I will do it again(and again), but I will specifically ask for a female masseuse next time. Theres just some awkwardness there for me when it comes to a strange guy rubbing me naked :0)

Oooh, just had an idea! They should offer cocktails before the massage. Liquor me up and I dont care whos rubbing on me! ;-)

School, School, School

The boy-child is on day 3 of school. Each day he is excited to go, but clings to me like white on rice when its time to leave him. Hes always chattering away when I pick him up though, so im sure hes having fun :-)
He also had his 3rd session with his new occupational therapist today and I dont think I like her too much. This was the first time I was able to meet her and with all 3 sessions she has complained about him not knowing his colors 100% of the time. She has decided hes color blind (insert big, dramatic eye-roll.) I will give her 2 more sessions to impress me before I decide to ask for another therapist.

I am waaaaaaaaay behind in chemistry. As in 7 lessons behind, and I have not done one single lab assignment yet. I figure that my economics class will be over with in a few weeks and then I will tackle chemistry. 6 classes is too much!

Ive agreed to watch my niece on Fridays and occasional Saturdays(for free!!). There goes my only day off :-(


I also agreed to go camping. Dont ask why. I hate camping with an intense passion. Like, id rather shoot myself than camp. Yet, somehow I got roped into saying yes.

Ive got most of my Christmas shopping done. Yay! Its all been clearance stuff. Double yay!!

I really need to sit down and get some scrap booking done. Maybe we need to come up with an 8th day of the week..?

You Only Get One Life

My goal every day is to make the most of what I have. Every second of the day there is someone out there who is worse off than I am and for that I should count the positives in my life.

1. Im not physically or mentally handicapped.
2. I have 2 beautiful, healthy children.
3. I have a job.
4. I live in a developed country.
5. I have a roof over my head.
6. I have a car.
7. My car has a/c!
8. I have people in my life who love me and care about my well being.

Now on to the purpose of this post.

While im physically and mentally sound, I am FAT and horribly overwhelmed. Its easy to say "exercise, sleep more, eat right!", but having the energy to work on myself is hard. Im so drained from my day to day responsibilities. Theres nothing in my life that can be put to the side right now. So the cycle of hating the way I look and feel continues.

While my children are healthy, my son struggles every minute of every day. He is constantly hitting, spitting, crashing, screaming, and getting in trouble because of it. No matter what *I* do, I cant fix him. I try to be positive and calm and reward the good. I try to find activities that allow him to seek to his hearts content. Its just not enough. Nothing I do is enough and my biggest fear is that hes going to grow up and be an out of control adult.

I am so thankful to work for the families that I do. They have afforded me gabs of flexibility and have taken care of me when ive needed it the most. Unfortunately Im also trying to manage going to school. For the last hour I have tried to complete one homework assignment and its just not happened. My 1st priority is the children in my care and because of that I cannot focus on homework. It is just one more struggle and its hard not to just scream and quit[school].

When I love, I love freely. Im a giver in every way. I rarely receive the consideration that I give. Its wearing down on me. I have people in my life that I care so much about, but its never enough. No matter what I do, im not doing enough. Last night I had a conversation with someone who I care for a lot and in that conversation I tried so hard to explain that I needed to focus on bettering me in order to be better for them. That I needed to break certain habits so that I wouldnt be repeating a negative history. That I just wanted to do right. In the end, even that was the wrong answer.



........Nap time is here though so its time to buckle down!

WOOHOO

The Diva is back in school. No more kids fighting all day. No more planned activities. No more whining about being bored. Yay!

I dyed my hair today. It was supposed to come out dark brown, but is a brilliant shade of red mahogany. Im iffy about it. I used to dye my hair versions of red and it always got bronzy looking. And at this stage in my life I feel that this particular shade is a trashy/cheap look. Hopefully it grows on me. I dont think my hair can hold up to another dye job any time soon.

I spent some time in Sedona with the kids. It was really nice to just get away and relax!

The boy-child is excited to start school. Every day he asks if its time to go and what time school starts. Hopefully he gets in! He will be absolutely crushed if it doesnt happen.
He is doing so well socially(for him). Hes not nearly as aggressive as he used to be and he is engaging in play vs. playing alone! He continues to steal my heart 500x a day. He constantly says, "Mommy, I love you!" As I left for work today he stood in the window yelling "Mommy I love you more!!!!!" When I got home he came flying into me telling me how much he missed me and asking where I had been. Such a lover!

I start school as well soon. Starting to freak out a bit!

Well there goes that...

'A' missed her flight and is not home. Another week....

The Diva did not have her surgery yesterday. It has been rescheduled for August.

I got a $1000 scholarship from the county. I dont know how, but I was notified that I had won it and im not going to complain or question it! It will be split between the next 2 semesters. I am buying a laptop with the first half. :-)

Humanism and Politics

So, facebook drama has come to me. I didnt set out for it to, but...........

Being white is a full blown priviledge. Being born white meant that I would never encounter racism, never be considered less-than based solely on the color of my skin, never be asked to provide my ss card or birth certificate to prove I have a right to be here(because, hello! Im WHITE! of course im legally here..)
White people have a hard time recognizing and especially, ACCEPTING this priviledge. The arguements of "I dont own any slaves", "Its been years since that happened", "I didnt put anyone on a reservation" are cop-outs. Being white doesnt make you better. Other races have had generations of being singled out, being hated, being put-down, etc. and it continues. The habits of protecting themselves are passed down. White priviledge is roaring its head currently as "we" pass this AZ immigration law.

Our country was founded on immigration. We took land from people. Barged in and killed! So while I agree that we should have regulations concerning illegal immigration, I think it is completely inhumane to single people out based on the color of thier skin to prove that they are here legally! Lets start with the crooked border cops, beef up security, *help* people get here legally. These "illegals" may contain those damn drug smuggling, kid raping, gang-banging, undesirables, but they are also the moms and dads bringing their children here to get an education and live the American Dream. They are hard working, NICE, generous, family people. They bring in a part of their culture that enriches ours.


Just food for thought.

Priviledge by definition-is a special entitlement or immunity granted by a government or other authority to a restricted group, either by birth or on a conditional basis

Soccer Saturday

Still not doing too good on these titles, but getting there ;)

We slept in until 9am! The beauty of weekends :D
Took The Diva to soccer. She looked so cute in her soccer gear! Forgot the camera :(
Had a yummy lunch afterwards and then an amazing nap. I love weekends that I dont work! Sleep is so delicious :D

Randomness...........

I was in Target the other night and walk past the car seat aisle and I see some guy standing there grabbing his junk. Like grabbing a fist full and pulling down! Just so oblivious to the fact that 1. hes in public, 2. hes in the baby aisle, and 3. its GROSS!
Another time to be happy im a woman. If we itch we get a cream that makes it all better :D If women were scratching themselves all the time guys would be appalled, but its ok for them to do it so obviously and in public. Ick.

I enrolled The Diva in hip-hop dance classes. She doesnt have any natural dancing abilities, but she likes to dance *shrug*. Anything to keep her active, drug-free, and a virgin :D She thinks shes "cool" and "popular". LMAO. Have I mentioned that she spends 30minutes doing her hair in the morning? And all she does is put it in a ponytail! Shes willing to lose sleep to do her hair :O

I have a lot of homework to do again. My accounting class is pretty demanding.

Go Saints!

Another Manic Monday

Six o'clock already
I was just in the middle of a dream
I was kissin' Valentino
By a crystal blue Italian stream

But I can't be late
'Cause then I guess I just won't get paid
These are the days
When you wish your bed was already made

It's just another manic Monday
I wish it were Sunday
'Cause that's my funday
My I don't have to runday
It's just another manic Monday

Haha, that song has been in my head all day :)

Today was good. I took the boy-child to work with me this morning. It was amazing just to be able to do that again. He is getting so big! His imagination awes me and melts my heart. I have honestly missed spending my days with him. Ive had this consuming guilt over leaving him at home while I spend my days with other peoples children. His struggles with sensory have made it hard to bring him with me anymore, but I think we are finally getting somewhere with him. He still can be quite the ......donkey, but he is learning to control his urges and vocalize more.

After work I picked up the Diva from school. Im trying as hard as I can to continue being available to pick her up on Mondays. I dont get any other time with her during the school week and it has caused some issues. We headed over to Sprouts and shopped, shopped, shopped. I *heart* me some Sprouts. The amazing produce, fresh nuts/granola/rice/dried fruits/veggies, and their amazing selection of gluten-free products for the boy-child. Oh, and the best part? Theyre so f'ing cheap! I spent a little under $140 and had 11bags of groceries. 11! Let me tell you, gluten-free is so not cheap, yet here I spent so little and got so much! It made my day. Ahh the simple things in life :)

I have a killer headache from not getting enough sleep. From the time I went to bed to the time we left the house was 4hrs and 45minutes! I cannot repeat such horrible things again!

My goal is to get all 'A's this semester. There really is no reason I shouldnt. I really am quite book smart. I just suck at time management these days. Somewhere along the way I dropped the ball. I feel so out of place in conversations that dont relate to parenting and that just is mortifying. I used to have something to say.......something intelligent. Dont ask me what though ;)